As you curl up onto the couch with you partner, debating whether you’re going to watch Love Island or Arrested Development, whether you’re going to order Thai or pizza, and complaining about how gassy you feel, you might find yourself asking one simple question — when did I get so freaking boring?
Well, luckily, you’re not alone. It’s a slightly depressing truth that “Why is my relationship boring?” is an incredibly popular Google search — and, in a lot of ways, it’s a totally normal question to ask. While we often use words like “spark” and “fireworks” to describe love and relationships, it’s important to remember that nothing is fireworks all the time. If it was, it would just be…a fire. And a relationship fire does not sound like a happy relationship.
So it’s important not to overthink it. Here’s why it’s totally normal to wonder if your relationship is too boring — and how to tell if it really is. There’s a balance between being settled and settling, after all. Here’s what you need to keep in mind.
You are boring (at least some of the time)
Fun fact: You are boring. Yes, you. Not all of the time, maybe not even most of the time — but, sometimes, you’re boring as hell.
Because we all are boring from time to time.
Sometimes we just want to watch Law and Order: SVU for six hours straight and eat pasta without speaking a word to anyone. Sometimes, we vent about the same topic for hours on end, unpicking and dissecting it from every angle over and over — and sometimes we’re too tired to talk about anything interesting at all.
So it makes total sense to wonder, from time to time, if your relationship is boring — because of course it’s boring from time to time. You’re both only human, after all. So, if you occasionally find each other boring or your relationship boring, then you’re actually just comfortable enough to show each other the real, sometimes boring, side of yourself. A relationship where you’re performing for each other all of the time isn’t a relationship built on trust or honesty. Sure, at the beginning of a relationship we tend to be the most hyped-up, fun-filled versions of ourselves, but as you get to know someone, you should find that you feel comfortable enough to let your boring hair down… at least once in a while.
Angst isn’t the same as passion
Sometimes, a relationship can feel a little boring because it’s so different than other relationships we’ve had before — but you need to remember that the relationships you had before weren’t necessarily fun or even healthy. We break up, we get back together, there’s inner turmoil — maybe even cheating. And while it’s certainly not boring…that doesn’t mean it’s good, either.
When we’re teenagers and young adults, it’s really easy to have relationships that seem exciting and charged all the time. We often conflate being angsty with being romantic and, in some cases, we think that the intensity of toxic relationships is somehow a sign of how much we care about each other. But sometimes angst and melodrama is just angst and melodrama — it’s not hiding anything deeper. It’s so much better to have the real thing.
It’s normal to wonder some of the time
So we’re all boring from time to time and, sometimes, that can be a sign of a healthy relationship — that’s all totally true. But it’s a different story if you’re always wondering if you’re boring or if you straight-up always feel really freaking bored. Just because you have stability and security doesn’t mean you should feel like you’re trapped in some 1950s nightmare or that you’ve both gotten so complacent that you’ve just stopped caring about each other. It’s definitely a balance.
If you feel like you are constantly worried about your relationship being boring, make sure to address it as soon as possible. Because the thing about a boring slump is that it can pull you in really quickly. Talk to your partner about the fact that you think both of you need to make more of an effort. Book more date nights, try some super weird sex stuff, buy a new boardgame — whatever spicing it up means for you, make sure you’re trying to do it. The fact that you’re worried about it being boring in the first place — rather than just giving into it — is a good sign.
Unless, of course, you know that you’re in a relationship that’s not really working. Some of us dip into boring, safe relationships because we need a break or because we’re scared — maybe even because we just thought it would fit, before we realize it doesn’t. If this is the case, you need to accept that it’s selfish — and the best thing you can do is move along.
More often than not, worrying if your boring is not just totally normal — it’s just a side effect of being in a happy, healthy relationship. So revel in your occasional boringness, as long as it’s only occasional. If you’re really bored, then that’s another story — and, in your gut, you can tell the difference.
Originally posted on Bellesa Collective