Some sex acts earn a certain larger-than-life status in the public consciousness. They are elevated into an almost mythical place — something that everyone is meant to not only like- but love. Men love blow jobs and doggy style, right? And women love cunnilingus.
But why have these particular acts gotten such a huge reputation? Not everybody likes the same thing, not everyone needs the same thing to feel pleasure. Yet, for some reason, we can be reticent to acknowledge the fact that a certain sex act just doesn’t really do it for us — because it’s something we’re meant to love
But you know what, not everybody likes oral sex. Not all women have to like someone going down on them. Maybe you just don’t. And this isn’t just about not liking bad oral sex — that wouldn’t please anybody anyway — it doesn’t matter if someone knows exactly how to work your clit, find your G-spot, and do gym-fucking-nastics with their tongue. Sometimes, you just don’t like it. It’s all good. Stop apologizing, sis.
Here’s why it’s totally, 100% okay if you’re not into receiving oral sex.
1. Some people need more sensation
I don’t care if you can tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue — hell, I don’t care if you can tie a knot in an effing tree trunk — tongues can only do so much. For some people, that’s more than enough — they like the soft touch, the suction sensation, the malleability of a tongue. For others, a tongue just feels like a dead fish slapping around down there. If you’re someone who likes your clit rubbed harder than a scratch-n-sniff sticker, then there’s no way a tongue is going to replicate that sensation for you. That’s OK. Let’s stop acting like clits and dicks and nipples all come with a one-size-fits-all instruction manual. They don’t.
2. Sex isn’t tit-for-tat
Oral sex can be this grey area where, especially when you’re young and inexperienced, there can be a sense of tit-for-tat while having sex. Your partner goes down on you, so you have to go down on them. You do this, they do that. It focuses on one person’s pleasure at a time, rather than sex being something you both are finding fulfilling — together. Of course, if you both love giving and receiving oral sex, that’s great! Take turns or 69 until both of your mouths fall off. But having oral sex when you’re both not enjoying it can become this weird trade-off. While you should both love pleasing each other and exploring what works for you, there shouldn’t be a sense of obligation in their bedroom.
3. Some people are self-conscious
Fun fact: Not everyone is OK with someone faceplanting their genitals. Self-consciousness or awkwardness is totally natural — especially if you’re inexperienced or you’re someone who has struggled with body image issues in the past. Of course, in my dream world, everyone loves their vulvas and is happy walking around naked and doing a spread eagle in a crowd full of strangers. And of course, I think that everyone should work toward accepting — and loving — their body and all of its forms. But in the meantime, if you’re someone who struggles with the intimacy of oral sex or is still learning to accept their body, oral sex can be excruciating. You don’t ever, ever have to have sex that you’re uncomfortable having, that makes you feel awkward, or that you do out of a sense of obligation — even if that uncomfortableness is coming only from you and your sense of your own body. It doesn’t matter. You never have to do it.
4. It perpetuates the idea that cunnilingus is a treat
OK, so here’s my big pet peeve with having to pretend you love oral sex even if it’s not for you. There’s this long-standing, ridiculous idea that cunnilingus is something that men hate to do, that they do begrudgingly, that they find unpalatable. It’s total bullshit — I’ve never met a straight man who didn’t love eating pussy — but having oral sex that you don’t want to be having perpetuates this idea. It’s the sense that your partner is doing you such a favor by being willing to go down on you, that you should try or pretend to enjoy it. Screw that. Your partner probably loves going down on you because vaginas are amazing and frankly, a delightful place to pass the time — but if you don’t want that to happen, that’s your call. You don’t need to feel like they’re helping you out or doing you a solid when they’re the lucky ones for getting anywhere close to your vulva. But whether or not you want them down there is totally up to you.
Oral sex may be the ultimate sex act… for some people. But for others, it’s just kind of “meh”. There’s no point in forcing yourself to try and like something that doesn’t give you the sensation you need or makes you uncomfortable. Instead, own what works for you. It’s your sex life — and your pleasure matters.
Originally posted on Bellesa Collective