It’s amazing how many times that “I want to rip your clothes off right now!” feelings can quickly turn into the awkwardness in the bedroom, the silence broken only by squeaking springs. Because let’s face it, sexual attraction doesn’t always lead to hot, or even satisfying, sex. And having bad sex is the worst. As the love of my life Billy Joel once said: “There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.” It’s so weird and frustrating and annoying, especially if you really like the person. I always say that sexual satisfaction should be a non-negotiable in a relationship, and that prioritizing that doesn’t mean you’re some kind of terrible weird nymph.
That being said, just because the sex isn’t great doesn’t mean it’s doomed for forever. There’s more to it than skill. I’m a big believer in sexual compatibility being as important as skill in the bedroom, that is that some people just have matching sex styles. You might think someone is incredible in bed, but if your friend tried it with them they would hate it, because they don’t want the same things or have the same chemistry. So while part of it is attraction and chemistry, there’s no need to panic if it’s not their immediately. Unless you have completely different sexual styles and proclivities, there’s a good chance there’s room for improvement. So how can you tell the sex can improve, if it’s not where you want already?
1. They’re Interested In Your Orgasm
I know this might sound like a basic, but “72 percent of women have had a partner finish and then not help them have an orgasm“. Seriously. It’s upsetting. The good news if you have someone who’s concerned with your enjoyment and orgasm, that’s a good basis for improvement and a conversation about what you both enjoy.
2. You’re Comfortable Enough To Talk About It
Speaking of the conversation, it’s essential. Yes, some non-verbal cues in the bedroom can give a good idea of what you like, but really talking about it is the clearest, more effective way to improve your sex life— so if you have frank conversations about sex you’re in a great spot. Find it awkward? Andrea Syrtash, author of Cheat on Your Husband (With Your Husband), suggests you “say, ‘I really love having sex with you, and I’d love to try this.’ Offering an alternative that might work better allows you to share a turn-on while also airing a turn-off”.
3. Some Things Are Already Good
OK, so maybe the sex isn’t rest, but is the kissing good? Or one position you’re really enjoying? If there’s something that’s working, it’s a good indicator of spark and sexual chemistry. You can build on that.
4. You’re Willing To Commit Some Time
Being committed to improving your sex life with someone is a huge thing, and part of this means not avoiding the awkward bedroom area, but facing it head on. Dr. Laura Berman, sex and relationship”suggests sharing an intimate sexual experience at least twice per week, but warns that there is no ‘magic number’ that guarantees relationship bliss”, according to Men’s Fitness. Practice makes perfect.
5. You Still Want To Have Sex With Them All The Time
I once dated a guy who I really liked, but our early sex life was decidedly “meh” and sometimes straight up bad. But, despite this, I still wanted to do it with him all the damn time because I found him so stupidly sexy and funny. And so we did do it all the damn time, and it turned into some pretty awesome sex. As long as you still have the hots for that person, there’s room to work.
6. You’re Still Orgasming
Even if you feel like you’re doing most of the work to get there, if you’re hitting an orgasm with your partner, you’ve got a strong foundation. One, it’s a very obvious display of what turns you on that they can learn from and two, it’s enough to keep you coming back for more, giving you some time to get it right.
7. You Both Realize It’s Not Good
This isn’t necessary, but it’s definitely a good sign. All of those important conversations about what is and isn’t working and what turns you on is going to be a whole lot more awkward if your partner is like “What are you talking about?! It was the the best 37 seconds of my life! Nothing should ever change!”. It might seem weird to want both of you to not be enjoying it, but it actually means there’s a lot more common ground for conversations about improvement.
8. You Are OK With Self-Exploration
You can’t make the sex better unless you know what turns you on. And sometimes the best way to do that is on your own, without the pressures of sex. As Berman tells Women’s Health Magazine “masturbation is the single best way to discover new and more profound turn-ons that you can later put into play with your partner”. So the more you’re okay with some DIY, the better your chances for the sex improving.
Originally posted on Bustle