If you’re looking for a resolution to start the new year, why not make it a fun one — like trying to have better sex? Whether you’re single or in a relationship, inexperienced or think you’ve tried everything, there are always ways to experiment and improve. “Sex is often seen as something we outgrow or can easily go without, but sexuality and intimacy are an expression of our life force, creativity and love, and must be expressed to be fully realized as a people,” Lauren Brim, a sexual wellness coach and author of The New Rules of Sex, tells Bustle. “If our sexuality isn’t being expressed, it will show up as problems in other areas of our body and life. Plus, sex is just too damn good for you to live your life without it!
OK, so some people are more asexual than others — and that’s totally cool
. But if you’re a sexual person, you may want to find new ways to change things up this year. It doesn’t matter if you’re more kinky or more vanilla, you can still try new things in a way that works for you. Here’s how you can have even better sex in 2019, according to experts.
1. Embrace Outercourse
We learned in 2018 that less than 20 percent of women found that penetration was enough stimulation to reach orgasm — and yet so many people think of penis-in-vagina penetration as the definition of sex. It’s why we need to embrace outercourse (stimulation that isn’t penetration). “I think many people equate intimacy with the in-and-out of sex,” Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle. “It’s often due to lack of relationship role models to teach them about true intimacy and lack of sex ed.”
2. Learn How To Talk About Your Sex Life
Especially if you’re in a relationship, learning to talk about your sex life can be key. “[Couples with healthy sex lives] have awkward conversations,” sexologist and relationship expert Dr. Nikki Goldstein tells Bustle. “Often people can have sex but are scared to talk about it out of fear that might offend their partner or it might be awkward. In order to have a healthy sex life you need to have sometimes awkward conversations about what might not be working in the bedroom or what you want more or less of.”
It’s so important. And even if you’re single, being able to talk about what you like and what you don’t can still make your sex life so much more satisfying. Once you get used to talking about it, you’ll probably find that it’s not awkward at all — and your sex life will reap the benefits.
3. Find That G-Spot
Some experts swear by the G-spot, an area of sensitive tissue inside of the vagina. “The G-spot is located two inches inside the vagina, on the topside of the vaginal wall, and has a spongy texture,” Sex Therapist and Sexologist, Stefani Threadgill, tells Bustle. “To find the G-spot, insert two fingers, palm-up, with a ‘come-here’ motion, and press up against the front wall of the vagina. The G-spot responds to direct pressure.” You can stimulate it with your hands or with a toy — and teach your partner to do the same.
4. Don’t Stress About Orgasms
If you have trouble orgasming or get stressed about it, try just deciding to enjoy the ride. “The act of having an orgasm every time we have sex in itself is not damaging to one’s relationship. Focusing on the orgasm being the required outcome of sex is potentially damaging,” couples and sex therapist, Lisa Yee tells Bustle. “When we place the focus of sex on the orgasm, it sets us up for failure.” Instead, just let yourself off the hook and enjoy all of the sensations — without the pressure of worrying about whether you’ll reach climax. There’s way more to sex than orgasms, so just let yourself enjoy it.
5. Masturbate More
Masturbating more doesn’t have to replace your sex life. In fact, it can improve it. “Get familiar with your own body using body exploration and then communicate what feels best to your partner,” holistic Sexologist and Sexuality Educator, Lisa Hochberger, tells Bustle. Learning what you like will make it easier for you to communicate that to your partner — and you’ll both benefit.
6. Indulge Your Fantasies
Try mixing up your sex life by talking through your fantasies with your partner and find something you both might want to try. “Not everyone is going to be up for everything,” Amy Levine, sex coach at Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle “So start by asking ‘What are some of your fantasies?’ outside of sex rather than jumping in.” Once you establish what turns you both on, you can incorporate it into your sex life.
7. Be More Mindful
Being mindful may not sound particularly sexy, but it’s about being in the moment and aware of how your partner is responding. “A great lover of any gender is enthusiastic, curious and fascinated by their partner’s responses,” co-authors of Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships, Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels tell Bustle. “Great lovers are willing to experiment and try things that may be a turn-on; they’re able to listen to feedback, and have healthy sense of humor. When all partners approach sex with these attitudes, the results are exponential. Rather that a give and take, lovemaking can become a great adventure of mutually taking each other into higher states of ecstasy.” Staying in the moment and really tuning into your partner’s body and reactions will help make you feel more connected — and give you more insight into what works for them.
Even if your sex life is already amazing, there’s no reason you can’t try to improve it in 2019. Communicate, try new things, and engage with your partner — little tricks can make everything better.
Originally posted on Bustle