Science fact — your first time having sex with someone new with someone doesn’t have to be mind-blowing. I’ve had a lot of sex with people that eventually became amazing, but started out with a round or two that was distinctly underwhelming. It’s not anything to panic about, it’s completely normal to take a while to get to know each other. You can fix bad sex. But that being said, if you have an absolutely disastrous first round, it’s hard to get that out of your head. It can make you panic. There’s been a lot of sexy buildup, you really like each other, and then there are absolutely no fireworks. Not even a sputter. Just squeaky bed noises and Family Guyin the background. Yikes. Even though you could still come back for it, it’s better for your head and your relationship if the first time can be at least an OK precedent.
But how do you make it better? Unless you’ve talked about it, or met over a kink, you probably have no idea what this person is like in bed. And you need to make you needs and preference clear at the same time. It’s a steep learning curve. So what’s the one thing you can do to make it better? Communicate.
We hear about communication a lot when it comes to relationships, but it’s just as important in the bedroom. In fact a recent study from the Medical University of Vienna showed that communication may be as effective as a “female Viagra“. If you get too nervous to talk about sex, don’t worry— ease your way into it.
In fact, it doesn’t necessarily mean talking, here are the top ways you can use communication when having sex with a new partner:
1. Pay Attention To The Build Up
Some of the communication is body language. The way that they move from silly kissing to more serious kissing, from kissing to foreplay— they’re all telling signs. Pay attention to how they use their hands and mouths, the rhythms and dynamics they’re creating. It tells you a lot about how they are in bed.
Even more obvious then what they’re doing with their hands, listen to what they’re doing. It might not be all out dirty talk, but what makes them moan, or even just changes their breath, tells you what’s working for them, and what to do more of. Similarly, you should use your breath, noises, and words to direct them towards what you want them to keep doing.
3. Talk It Out
I’m all for dirty talk, but I know it’s not great for a lot of people. But everyone can benefit from a bit of talking about sex, either before or after. Try starting with just “I love it when you… ” to highlight what really gets you off, and then you can build to “I’d love to try… “. Any actual words you can use will only help you both. Especially with a new partner, it means getting to the great sex faster.
Originally posted on Bustle