Every unhappy sex life is unhappy in its own way. Or something. There are lots of different mistakes people make in the bedroom and if you feel like your sex life is underwhelming it can be hard to know where to go. Don’t panic. Even the most sex-positive of us, and even those of us with a massively high sex drive, sometimes find that things aren’t going our way. It has less to do with technique and much more to do with how we’re feeling and expressing ourselves. Some mistakes happen when you’re hooking up with someone new and can’t get the hang of each other or when you’re just not feeling like your normal, sexy self.
What can you do? The first step is to identify the problem. There are lots of different things that can be off, but equally there are just as many solutions to be had. The most important thing to remember about all of these is to be open and communicative — don’t be afraid to voice what you want or need, but at the same time be open to your partner’s suggestions. It may be that you have to take the leap and be the one that starts the sex conversation, but your sex life will thank you.
Here are seven sex mistakes you’re making, because it happens to all of us sometimes:
1. You’re In A Rut
Just feeling a little “meh” about your sex life? A basic problem, but it’s important because it happens to so many of us and the more we ignore it, the worse it gets. If you’re doing the same thing again and again and again and again and you’ve stopped enjoying it— change it. Be considerate in how you phrase it, because you obviously don’t want to offend your partner, but there’s a good chance they’re ready for a change in bed too. It may be a change in positions, frequency, attitude— whatever. There are a million ways to get out of your sex routine and change things up, so find one that works for both of you.
2. You’re Being Too Adventurous
That being said, you don’t need to do a new karma sutra position every day. You want to stick to things that you can actually do and enjoy and get damn good at and comfortable in that position before you try to add another one to your rep. Or else you’ll just having lots of difficult, uncomfortable sex where nobody can feel relaxed.
3. You’re Not Talking About It With Your Partner
I have said this a billion times and will say it a billion more. Communication about sex is so important and maybe as effective as “female viagra“, according to a study of 30 women from The University of Vienna. So seriously, do it. It’s the best way to air any questions or concerns you have, and there may be something your partner wants to say— you just need to give them a platform. It may be awkward at first but opening up a dialogue about sex that you both feel comfortable with is the best thing you can do for your sex life.
4. You’re Keeping It In The Bedroom
I don’t mean trying some new adventurous place to do it— although that’s certainly a good way to get out of a rut. I’m talking about only thinking about sex when you’re in the bedroom, when it’s happening. You’re really missing out on some awesome anticipation building and couple bonding if you’re not flirting and hinting at sex other times. Try sending a sext, or just let them know how much you’re looking forward to getting some alone time. It’s super hot and a good way to sex up your day.
5. You’re Skimping On Foreplay
Sometimes a quickie is super hot— sometimes. Most of the time, there’s nothing sexier than foreplay. Having trouble finishing? If you’re having hetero sex, are you feeling like the penetration is just a little much? Slow down and take your time with the foreplay, you’ll be guaranteed better sex if you’re both more prepped and practically begging for it, plus you may get an extra orgasm in before sex has even started.
6. You’re Pretending You’re Into Something You’re Not
Just no. I mean, I’m up for trying pretty much anything in bed— at least to try it— but if it’s not for you don’t do it. I don’t just mean big things like you’re not ready to try anal sex, I mean things as basic as that pace is too intense for you, or that position doesn’t really feel great. There are so many amazing things you’ll both enjoy, there’s no point doing something that isn’t fun. Sex is for both of you.
7. You’re Not Having It Enough
Bottom line, if anything feels a little off: talk about it and do it more. Schedule it if you have to. If both of you have low sex drives and you don’t do it that much, great. And if you feel like your sex life has taken a noticeable dip, try devoting some time and energy to getting it back on track. That might mean making a special date night, or just putting your phone down for a bit, and focus on getting down.
Originally posted on Bustle