Transitions between relationships can be really difficult, especially if you’re not over your ex. If you want a new relationship to work, you need to make sure the last one is completely put to bed. Like, really to bed. Or else it’s too easy to carry old feelings into new relationships. Everyone has relationship baggage, and that’s nothing to feel badly about, but it has to be balanced out with giving your new relationship a clean slate. And that’s pretty hard to do if you haven’t moved on from your ex.
When you’re over your ex, that’s really the only time you’re ready to move on from the past. But it’s hard to know when you’re actually over your ex— partly because you normally really, really want to think you’ve moved on way before you’ve given yourself a chance to. It means being really realistic with yourself about how you’re feeling, rather than pretending that you’re over it just because you feel like you ‘should’ be by now. And if you realize you’re actually not over your ex, don’t sweat it. These things take time, and it’s important that you’ve given yourself enough of it.
So how do you tell you’re really over an ex? Here are seven signs:
1. You’re Apathetic Toward Them
It’s really true that opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. It’s hard to say you’re over someone when the idea of them makes you furious or gut-wrenched or nostalgic. So if you’re still ranting every time they come up— or still bringing them up obsessively— you’re not over it. It’s when they bring a more “meh” response from you that you’ve really moved on.
2. You Don’t Press Your Mutual Friends For Information
You might not do it explicitly, but it can be really difficult when you know the same people to keep your curiosity in check and not try to figure out what’s going on with them. You may ask directly, or just ask some leading questions, but whenever you’re around people that know your ex you’re trying to figure out how they’re doing, what they’re thinking, and more. Once this doesn’t occur, you know you’ve made progress.
3. You Feel More Than Lust Or Infatuation For Someone Else
This is a big one. It might be that right after a breakup you want to have sex with someone new right away to help you get over them. Or maybe you’re the kind of person who hurls yourself into a new relationship, willing to be head over heels for someone new before you’re over the last one. When you can be yourself and then develop genuine, non-rebounding feelings for someone else is when you’ve really put the last relationship to bed.
4. You Stop Avoiding Places They Might Be… Or Stalking Them
No matter how OK you might be with your ex in theory, dealing with them in reality can be a whole different ball game. Whether you are obsessed with the idea of seeing them or the idea fills you with dread, it’s still the relationship having a hold over you. When the fact that they may or may not be there doesn’t affect you, you’ve moved on.
5. You Can Engage With Their Social Media In A Normal Way
Nothing makes modern day breakups harder than the ability to track every little thing about them on social media. Even if you’re not trying to track them, they still end up popping up on your feeds every six seconds. Maybe you end up stalking their Instagram and analyzing every photo for signs of heartbreak or maybe you’ve unfollowed/unfriended/uninterneted them so hard because you can’t bear to still have reminders of them. Either way, until you can be more chilled out about their media presence, it’s not really done in your mind.
6. You’re Happy For Their Successes
If you can be apathetic toward them as a person and your relationship to them, but be genuinely happy when you hear about their successes, you’re doing pretty OK.Even though you may have never wished them ill, it can be difficult to hear about how amazing their life has become with you. But when you hear that they’ve had a great job change or are in new relationship and think “Good for them”— and mean it— you’re there.
7. When You Stop Keeping Track Of The Time Since You Were With Them
There’s a time when your ex is the ex, an albatross that follows you around, that any new fling is sort of in the shadow of. But there comes a time when you don’t really think about how long it’s been since you broke up, that they don’t feel like such a monumental figure in your mind or your relationship history. They aren’t the exanymore, just someone from your past. Reaching that place may feel impossible sometimes. But even the biggest, most heart-breaking breakups at some point will be just somebody you used to know. Then, it’s time to move on.
Originally posted on Bustle