The kind of intimacy you can have is when you feel totally sexually comfortable with your partner. It allows you to relax, turn your brain off, notice what’s going on, and for a lot of us, it’s the only way to orgasm. Plus, if you’re at ease with your partner you’re going to be more vocal about what you want— what you like and what you want to try in the future. And sometimes as soon as you hookup it’s just there, but other times, feeling sexually at ease with your partner can take some work.
It’s nothing to worry about — I’ve had sex that has been awkward at first that has become great later on in a relationship. But you have to be brave enough to address the issue, rather than just pretend everything’s fine and you’re really a nervous wreck inside. You have to detach from that as much as you can. And I know, I know— it’s much easier said then done. Whether you’re a naturally anxious person or it’s just something that comes out during sex (or just during sex at this point in your life), don’t worry— there’s a lot you can do to make it better and enjoy the awesome sex life you deserve.
Here are seven ways to feel more sexually comfortable with someone:
1. Give Yourself Time To Explore
If you’re having trouble feeling comfortable with someone, it’s not going to help if sex is always a wham-bam affair. Make sure you set aside enough time, and if you’re not feeling in the mood don’t try to rush yourself into it. If you don’t start out feeling OK, it’s not going to get any better.
2. Talk It Out
Don’t shut down. If you’re really nervous, it’s easy to just completely shut down. You don’t want to make your partner feel bad, which is nice, but it’s going to make things worse in the long run. If you’re anxious, you need to let them know, and they’ll understand and make allowances. It’s totally normal to need a little time and it’ll make your sex life a lot better down the road.
3. Remember That It’s Not Always Great Right Away
If you’re not feeling things in the bedroom, try not to panic and start worrying that you’re not sexually compatible. There have been so many times I’ve had sex that has been really uncomfortable (or straight up bad) the first few times that has turned into really good sex eventually. Don’t catastrophize or start worrying about worse case scenario.
4. Swap Favorites
If there’s something you know you like, and you feel OK talking about, share it. A favorite position or sex act can give you a jumping off point, a safe space that you can build on from there.
5. Start Slow
You don’t need to jump in with crazy positions, or even having full out sex right away. If you’ve voiced your nerves with your partner you should be able to ease your way into things and they’ll understand why.
6. Set Limit
If you’re really anxious, you can be even more formal and set some boundaries with things that you are or not OK with beforehand. Basically, if you’re already nervousthen being worried that they’re going to suddenly want you to try something out of your comfort zone is going to make things a whole lot worse. If you know things you don’t like are off the table, it’ll be easier to relax and focus on what’s happening now.
7. Take It Easy On Yourself
What normally happens when you’re not feeling comfortable sexually is that you get into your own head and then everything compounds into a little ball of nerves and anxiety. Just take a deep breath. You don’t owe it to anyone to feel or do anything that you don’t want to. And anyone you’re having sex with should understand that. So if you’re not feeling it, don’t beat yourself up. Let it pass and never worry about going at a speed other than your own.
Originally posted on Bustle