It’s great being a sex-positive woman, and it’s great being a woman with a high sex drive, even though we’re often made to feel it’s not normal. But it can be really difficult when you’re in a relationship and you have a higher sex drive than your partner. If you’ve been there, you know. You put yourself out there for sex only to end feeling rejected and, often foolish.
It can be a really horrible feeling, especially if you’re a woman in a hetero relationship.There’s so much of this nonsense about men being the ones who want more sex while women are resistant, which is horrible enough in its own right. But when you’re than the more sexual one, and you’re a woman, you end up feeling vulnerable for wanting sex more than your partner, and then having to feel like you’re weird on top of it. It’s an awful way to feel and you shouldn’t have to. A high sex drive can be such a blessing, and being made to feel embarrassed for it is just not OK.
So what do you do if you have a higher sex drive than your partner? Luckily, with most things, there’s a way to meet in the middle. Here’s what to do if your’e more sexual than your partner:
1. Tell Them You’re Struggling
It may seem obvious, but just because you sometimes suggest sex and they don’t want it, doesn’t always mean they realize how much it upsets you— especially if they’re nice about it. Sometimes you both need to acknowledge the issue before you can do anything about it.
2. Remember, It’s Not Personal
This is the hardest thing to remember. The instinct, at least for me, was to feel unattractive, undesired, gross, etc., but, just like you have a high sex drive, they might just have a low one. And just like you wanting to have sex isn’t weird, you have to realize that them not wanting to isn’t either. You have to respect them, take a deep breath, and not make it all about you.
3. Explain Your Point Of View
Rather than picking a fight or getting in their face about it, talk about how it makes you feel. If it makes you feel unattractive or just like you’ve grown apart, tell them. It will give you a chance to share your feelings and give them a chance to reassure you.
4. And Ask About Theirs
Understanding why they don’t want to have sex can help. There are so many different reasons someone might not want to have sex that are totally valid. Maybe it’s that they’ve always had a low sex drive or maybe it’s a medication or a stress thing. Listen to what’s going on with them and it’ll help you not to take it personally— and figure out possible solutions.
It’s got to be about compromise. You can’t expect— and wouldn’t want— them to have sex when they don’t want to. But you also can’t feel rejected all the time, either. They have to meet you in the middle. You can try to figure out if there’s something else you can do that makes you feel attractive and valued when they don’t want to have sex.
At least for me, I do think sexual compatibility can be a dealbreaker. But only in extreme circumstances. If you try to stay calm and talk it out, there’s normally a solution available. If you can’t compromise, there’s no reason to make yourself feel bad. It’s totally acceptable to want to have a fulfilling sex life, and you should never feel otherwise.
Originally posted on Bustle