I think most things are fair game during sex, from weird sex positions that make you fall over to accidentally farting. But what should you not do in the bedroom? If the silly, messy, gross, awkward, and accidental of parts sex are also kinda the best — it’s what makes it intimate and vulnerable in the best way — what’s actually not OK during sex? As far as most behaviors go, I’d say that pretty much anything you’re both comfortable with and consenting to is fine. But there are certain mindsets that are not cool in the bedroom. A lot of us have had angry sex or breakup sex before, even though it’s probably not good for us in the long run.
But what’s the one thing that you should never, never do during sex?
Mentally disengaging from sex is problematic on a lot of levels. Part of the problem is figuring out what is leading you to separate from the moment. There are many different reasons that you’re just not present during sex, and all of them are things that need to be addressed. It’s also a problem in terms of how it affects you, your sex life, and your relationship as a whole. It may seem like your mind wandering now and again is not a big deal, but if you’re regularly disconnecting then it can be an issue.
Why It Happens
Like I said, there can be a lot of different reasons someone isn’t present during sex. If you’re just a bit bored with your sex life, that may be the easiest fix. It’s easy to find new ways to explore in the bedroom, from new sex toys to different positions. But if it’s an emotional issue — if you and your partner are fighting, if you’re not happy in the relationship, if you’re feeling down etc.— that’s a lot more complicated. If sex is feeling like an out of body experience (and not in the good way), you’re just going through the motions, or you’re actively willing yourself to be somewhere else, you need to start figuring out what it means.
What It Does
Being completely disengaged during sex is not good for you or your partner. Firstly, your sex life suffers. You’re not going to be tuned in to what you or your partner needs. It can become perfunctory and impersonal, which ruins all of the fun of sex. Your partner will sense that your heart isn’t in and feel hurt, guilty, confused— a lot of different things, depending on where your relationship is at the time.
How To Fix It
Look at the root problem. Are you in a relationship that just isn’t right? Sometimes sex is the first thing to go, and it can be difficult to fake the intimacy and connection that makes sex great. Are you not just communicating with your partner enough? Or, on a more basic level, are you in an OK head space? Is there something you need to do to improve your general well-being? It’s worth taking a look at it. Maybe you need help tuning in to your body, which is not uncommon — or unfixable. If you’re feeling chronically disconnected in bed, there may be a larger issue to figure out and then communicate — for your relationship, your partner, and yourself.
Originally posted on Bustle