I’m a firm believer that anyone can have better sex— and a better sex life — with good communication. Being open and communicating what does and doesn’t work for you during sex not only is a direct way to get what you want, but it’s also a way to be more open and intimate with your partner — it’s good for your sex life and your relationship as a whole.
I’m lucky that I’ve always been comfortable speaking frankly about sex, but I know that that’s not the case for everyone. Some people feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, or even vulnerable communicating about sex — whether it’s about what they want in the bedroom or how about how sex makes them feel.
The good news is that communicating during sex doesn’t have to sound like porn. I mean, it can sound like a porn if you want it to. If dirty talk does it for you and your partner, great— but there are so many other options. If you feel like you’re not connecting or communicating well, there are lots of ways to do it that are tame, so there’s nothing to be intimidated by. I get that it can still be scary to get started.
Here are seven ways to communicate better in bed that are totally tame, because body language totally counts:
1. Use It As Foreplay
If you feeling vulnerable or awkward chatting during sex, a good way to incorporate better communication is to try it before — as a way to lead into sex. If you start talking about something you’ve been thinking about, or even better, something you’d like to try, you set the groundwork before you’re naked and potentially feeling awkward. You can even start out with just a text.
2. Use Memories
Some people find talking about fantasies too uncomfortable, but referring to memories — sexy things that have already happened with your partner — can feel a lot safer. If you say “I loved it when we…” or “I can’t stop thinking about when you…”. You’re not putting yourself out there as much, because you’re referring to a damn fact, but you still are making sure you’re revealing what you like to them.
3. Focus On The Positive
So, so, so important. No one wants to hear “That doesn’t feel good.” or, worse, “What are you dong?”. Instead, suggesting something else that you really enjoy, with as many compliments as possible.
4. Encourage Your Partner To Share
Communication goes both ways, and one of the tamest way to start is have someone else take the lead. If you know it’s something they’re anxious about then it’s not fair to do, but if your partner feels more comfortable than you do talking during or about sex, then ask them to help through example.
5. Use Your Noises
Moans, groans, sighs, all of it— they’re sexy. If you’re not up for articulating what you want or need, using your noises can be a really tame way to give some positive reinforcement. It’s a way to indicate, but without having to feel self-conscious.
6. Body Language
Noises still too much for you? No worries, body language can be as good of a way to communicate as anything else. Whether you’re guiding their hand, moving your hips, responding positively to what they’re doing, or even just straight up changing the position yourself. You can be assertive and communicative with your partner without saying a damn thing.
7. Just Say Yes
Not to anything you don’t want to do, obviously. But just saying “Yes” or “There”— anything monosyllabic to encourage your partner to do what you like, is totally allowed and won’t make you feel silly. It’s really simple. I once dated a guy who didn’t feel comfortable saying or making any noises during sex and I felt like I was never sure I was doing anything right. By adding “Yes, there” occasionally— not a big leap for him— I finally started to get an idea of what he wanted. It made all the difference.
Originally posted on Bustle