The sex is going great, but then you start thinking you’re actually kind of ready for it to be over. Then you’re really ready. And once you’ve both realized it’s taking one of you too long to finish in bed, it just gets more and more frustrating and awkward the longer it lasts. What can you do? Do you say something? Ignore it? Or just give up all together?
Because as much as we act as though having someone finish too quickly is an issue, it can be just as uncomfortable when a partner takes too long to orgasm. If they come too quickly, at least it’s happened and you can move on from there. But when it’s more confusing the other way around.
“Once medical causes are ruled out, the reason is usually psychological,” Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle. “It can be performance anxiety, fear of pregnancy, or the inability to ‘let go’. Learning to stay in the moment and not worry about the past or future is key. Breathing purposely and focusing on the inhale and exhale (without making it obvious to your partner) can be a great help. Your mind can only focus on one thing at a time to thinking ‘inhale’ or ‘exhale’ or words of affirmation can stop the negative chatter in the mind.”
But until your partner gets a handle on it, it can be an uncomfortable position for you. Here’s what to do if your partner is taking too long to finish:
1. Don’t Make It A Thing
Don’t draw any attention to it, at least at the beginning. While at some point you may need to discuss it, it’s only going to put pressure on the situation and make them feel bad if you make it a huge deal in the moment.
2. Try Your Best Moves
You know that thing you do with your tongue? Or that position that they always love? Go for it.
3. Try Their Best Moves
If they have a favorite move or, even better, a position you’ve noticed they always finish with, give it a go. If they seem to have found something that’s helping you’re OK to follow their lead, but don’t be scared to take control if you remember something that’s worked before.
4. Encourage Them
Make it clear you’re having a good time. Remember what I said about not makingtoo big of a thing of it? You don’t need to tell them they’re great and it’s fine, but if you’re turned on it will turn them on. A few moans or sexy phrases can do a world of good.
5. Ask What They’d Like
If nothing’s working, then it’s time to ask if there’s anything they’d like. Some people are just shy about asking for what they want, so you might need to give them a platform for it. Again, I would recommend trying to keep things as sexy and natural as possible, but if they’re drawn attention to the fact that they’re not finishing then you can too.
6. Let It Go
Sometimes, it’s just not happening. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong or that they have. Maybe it’s booze or fatigue or stress— but it happens. Don’t take it personally and don’t make them feel badly about it either.
“Another strategy is focusing on your partner’s pleasure in other ways (oral, manual stimulation, using a toy) besides the ‘in and out’ or mutual masturbation after your partner climaxes — if that’s a way to get yourself off,” Levine says.
7. Talk To Them
If your partner seems upset by it or it’s something that keeps happening, you may need to talk about it with them. You need to tread carefully. Even though not being able to get an erection— or finishing too quickly— are more well-known sources of sexual anxiety, not being able to finish can be just as insecurity-inducing for them. And for everyone involved. So anything you say you’re going to have to do sensitively. Try to stay open-minded, make it clear that it’s not a huge problem for you, and see if you can help. It’s probably just a one-off or a stress issue, but give them some room.
Originally posted on Bustle