A lot of us worry and wonder to ourselves is my sex drive normal? at some point. Especially if you’re a woman, you get shamed when you have a high sex drive and you’re called a prude if it’s a low, so it’s easy to always feel like you’re getting it wrong. It’s not OK. If you have a low sex drive, that’s just a part of who you are, and there’s nothing weird about it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a low sex drive —I can’t emphasize that enough. “A healthy sex drive is different for each person,” Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle. “Overall, it’s when we feel balanced in our desire (it feels good to us, as opposed to something being off whether too high or low) and sexually fulfilled whether it’s alone or with a partner.” So don’t think of it as not normal, like a lot of sexuality, your sex drive falls on a spectrum.
It can be difficult if you and your partner have mismatched sex drives, but it certainly isn’t a deal-breaker. “The couple needs to be open about what each of their drives and needs are, and then they can talk about it and find a happy medium where both feel OK about the amount of sex that they are having,” psychologist Dr. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., LPCC tells Bustle. “They also might agree to supplement the actual act of sex with other acts to take care of the partner’s needs.”
But how do you sort it out in the first place? How do you know if you have a sex drive that’s on the lower end of the spectrum? Here are a few clues, just so you can talk about it in a healthy way with your partner (or potential partners):
1. Think About The Honeymoon Period
A good indicator of your sex drive? Levine says look at the beginning of your relationship. “Couples tend to fool around and get it on the most in the beginning of their relationship. So, if there is a discrepancy at that point, take it as a sign.” Now, it may be that your partner just as a particularly high sex drive, but it’s a good time to get an indicator of what’s going on and how you match up.
2. Your Bed Is For Something Else
We all love being lazy, and if you’re stressed or tired, you may prefer just cuddling or sleeping to sex, but if it’s a regular thing you may want to take note. “You rather be sleeping than be intimate with your partner,” Levine says. “Most people want that once in a while, but not using it as a way to disengage from connection.” It’s a sign that your sex drive may be lower, so keep a vague idea of how often you prefer sleep to sex.
3. The Idea Of Sex Makes Your Anxious Or Panicky
Levine says a good indicator of a lower sex drive if if you have trouble relaxing, because the potential sex position makes you panicky. “You are anxious or unable to relax when you’re with your partner as you worry they might make a move,” Levine explains. If sex makes you panicked rather than excited on a regular basis, it may be that you’re on the lower end of the spectrum.
4. Your Dreams Are PG
Our dreams say a lot of things about us — most of which make no sense. But Levine says if “you’re not having any sexy dreams” your sex drive may be low.
5. You’ve Had The Conversation Before
A lot of us find that we have a higher sex drive then some people we’re with and a lower sex drive than others, because it’s all relative. But if you’re always the one with the lower sex drive and you’ve had the conversation with a partner before, it’s safe to assume that you have a low sex drive. Like I said, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Having a low sex drive can complicate relationships, but so can having a high sex drive. You just need to find a partner who will find a way to meet in the middle. Just have a good idea of your drive and your needs, so you can talk about it in a mature, compassionate way.
Originally posted on Bustle