It’s great to feel relaxed and comfortable in bed, but you don’t want to get too comfortable. In a relationship, especially if you’ve been in one for a while, it’s easy to get so used to each other and so relaxed that you end up living in your comfort zone. That can be great for a while, but you don’t want your relationship to stagnate.
“Stepping out of your comfort zone together as a couple can really be like a breath of fresh air and breath new life into your relationship,” Rob Alex, who created Sexy Challenges and Mission Date Night with his wife, tells Bustle. And I think that’s as important in the bedroom as anywhere else.
Whether it’s doing the same old sex positions, having sex on a strict schedule, or just not really being as into it as you used to, there are lots of aways you can be stuck in your comfort zone in the bedroom. Often we don’t want to admit that the sex is anything less than mind-blowing out of fear about how our partner will feel or what it says about our relationships. But you need to admit that you’re sort of stuck in that rut, before you can get out of it.
So here are seven signs you’re stuck in your comfort zone in bed, because being present in the moment is so important:
1. You’re Zoning Out
The ultimate comfort zone? When you’re not even paying attention to what’s going on anymore. Disengaging during sex means you’re losing valuable connection time with your partner and, quite frankly, often means the sex is worse. Do something new to help yourself reengage.
2. You’re Thinking About Someone Else
This is fine every once in a while, but it shouldn’t be happening a lot. “Overall,fantasizing is perfectly healthy if it enhances an experience and doesn’t happen all the time causing a disconnect from their partner,” Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle.”If someone is fantasizing all the time, and prefer the fantasy over their partner then they may want to reconsider being with that person and what they really need and want in bed.”
3. You Can Predict Exactly What Will Happen Beforehand
You don’t need to experiment through the karma sutra every single night. Some of the best sex I’ve had has been kind of repetitive. But if it’s gotten to the point where you can predict exactly what’s going to go down, because it literally never changes, you may be too deep in your comfort zone.
4. It’s Limited To The Bedroom
I don’t mean in terms of where you’re having sex, I mean keeping the sexy feelings alive. “The most important thing to keep your sex life healthy in a relationship is to keep the sexual energy simmering in-between the act,” Lauren Brim, a sexual wellness coach and author of The New Rules of Sex tells Bustle. “This could be commenting when your partner looks extra hot, gently slapping, squeezing or pinching them when you pass them in the kitchen or raising your eyebrows in an ooh-la-la [way] when you see them undressing to jump in the shower. Noticing your partner’s attractiveness will make them feel desired and keep you both wanting each other in bed.” If you’re just going through the perfunctory motions in the bedroom with no spark outside, you’re missing out.
5. You Only Have Sex On Certain Days
If you’re really busy, maybe you need to schedule in sex, but there needs to be some spontaneous action at least once in a while. Brim suggests you “create sexually novel situations to keep sex interesting, surprising and fun” and that’s not going to happen if it’s only happening Sundays at 6 p.m. Make sure you’re getting some of the novelty once in a while.
6. You Aren’t Really Enjoying It
Sometimes if you’re happy in a relationship and love your partner, you can ignore the fact that you’re not really enjoying the sex anymore — at least, for a while. Eventually it will have an affect on your relationship as a whole, so if you’ve gotten so comfortable that you’ve forgotten about your pleasure, it’s time to mix things up.
7. You’d Rather Do Anything Else
Most of us get so tired or stressed that once in a while we pick TV or sleep over sex. Maybe you have a low sex drive — and that’s totally fine. But if you’re having less and less sex than is normal for you, you have to questions whether you’re still getting what you need out of it. If you’re not, get out of your comfort zone and back in bed.
Originally posted on Bustle