As much as you may spend a lot of your life feeling like you’re in tune with your sexuality and channeling your inner sex goddess— sometimes it all goes wrong. Oh. So. Wrong.
You really don’t need to stress about it. Because everyone, no matter how cool they are or sexy they are or experienced they are, has had some really effing bad sex from time to time. So you are in good company.
The funny thing is, there are so many different ways which sex can go wrong. But the important thing is not to feel embarrassed. It happens to everyone and one of the great, intimate parts about sex is the fact that you can laugh together through it when it all goes badly.
So here are the kinds of bad sex that everyone has from time to time, because things can get messy AF… literally.
1. The “everything is good but the sex” sex
You have amazing sexual chemistry, flirting, and everything seems perfect. There’s a huge lead up and then… the sex sucks. It really, really sucks. It’s awkward, you feel like you’re both made of elbows and knees, and neither of you know what to do. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
2. The “dirty talk gone wrong” sex
Sure, dirty talk can be amazing. But it can also be awkward AF. Either you end up repeating the same phrase over and over, you don’t know what to say, or what you say just doesn’t work.
One guy told me to open his present, because “It’s going to be like Christmas.” Another kept saying “Baby” and “Jesus” until he was just screaming “BABY JESUS! BABY JESUS!” while finishing. It happens.
3. The “I don’t know how to do this” sex
Whether it’s your first time on top or you’re trying an advanced sex position, sometimes you just feel totally out of your depth.
So yeah, it may not be great the first few times. But that’s how you get better— practice makes perfect.
4. The embarrassing bodily function show sex
I’ve ruined more than my share of sheets with a period that arrived unexpectedly— and also made the guy I’m having sex with look like something out of Game Of Thrones.
If it’s not that, there might be a fart, a queef, a squirt, or any number of silly body things. It’s genuinely unavoidable, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You’re already swapping all sort of intimate fluids, right?
5. Shower sex
I will maintain until the day I day that this is never as good as people claim it is. End of story.
6. The drunken sloppy sex
This is usually the same night you think that you’re dropping all sorts of amazing moves on the dance floor, that your makeup looks on point, and that you’re queen of the world— until you see photos of yourself the next day and realize you looked like you were melting most of the evening.
You go home with your partner and you’re so busy feeling yourself that you don’t realize the sex is awful… until you both wake up. Shhhh… just have a cup of coffee and forget it.
7. The “I’m already regretting this as I’m doing it” ex sex
I don’t know a single person who hasn’t done (or almost done) this. You meet up with an ex, for some ridiculous excuse, and before you know it you’re back in bed together. But as you’re doing it, the reality sinks in.
This was a mistake, this is messy, you’ve made things too complicated. It happens to way too many of us— and some of us have straight up left halfway through. So if you change your mind, just leave.
8. This looked better in the movies
Sex on the beach, sex in a car, sex against the wall— they all look so easy in movies. But in reality, you just end up with a vagina full of sand and a heart full of broken dreams.
Don’t fret… it’s just not as easy as it looks.
9. The injury-inducing sex
I have kneed my girlfriend in the vagina and taken an elbow in the face during sex. One of my friends ripped a damn vocal chord (don’t ask).
Sometimes things just get painful. If you’re trying anything crazy, make sure to have an ice pack on standby.
10. One of you races to the finish
All of the build-up and then he finishes while you still have your clothes on. Does it count as bad sex if you don’t even make it to the sex part?
11. The wrong name sex
Yeah, this one is pretty hard to come back from. If one of you drops the wrong name during sex, sometimes it is a completely innocent mistake. But it usually ruins everything anywhere. Better just to call it off then and there (that’s if they heard you, of course).
Great sex is one the best things in the world, but bad sex can be totally cringe-worthy. But you need to make some mistakes to learn how to get better and, sometimes, accidents just happen. Don’t feel badly.
Being comfortable with your partner means giggling when of you slip or admitting that things just aren’t working. You’ll get it right next time.
Originally posted on Bellesa Collective