If you’ve ever been caught in a faking orgasm cycle, you’re not alone. It starts out easily enough. You fake one at the beginning of seeing someone because you’re a little drunk or you want things to go smoothly or to boost their confidence— there are so many reasons it can happen. Trust me, I’ve been there. But then the next time, you do it again. And then you do it again, because, well, now you kind of have to, right? Soon you’re stuck in a cycle where you’re always faking your orgasms— and it feels like you’ve gone too far to say anything.
Well, you haven’t. It’s never too late to say something. Yes, you’ve made your life a little difficult, especially if you’ve been faking for a long time. It sucks, but it’s true. But now is the time to break the cycle. It’s the time to stop faking orgasms and work toward actually having them. Now, there may be a few different ways you’ve ended up in this position. Maybe you can come like a freight train on your own, maybe you can’t. Maybe it’s happened with other partners, maybe you’ve always struggled. Whatever the case, it’s time to make a change. Maybe you won’t ever orgasm with your partner— some people don’t and still have banging sex— but faking them is a breach of trust. So here’s how to stop.
Know that it probably won’t be pretty
Sorry to start on a downer, but we need to get this out of the way. You need to tell your partner and they almost certainly are not going to like hearing that you’ve been faking. I mean, even if they are the most understanding, calm, and considerate person in the world, that’s still going to sting. And if they’re not so understanding, well, there’s a chance that they’re going to freak and make it all about them. As long as they’re not being disrespectful or toxic, give them some room to vent their concerns and maybe even be a little shocked.
Explains your reasons
One of my friends who is anorgasmic— which means she doesn’t have orgasms at all— let on to someone who she’d been seeing that she’d been faking with him for a while. And actually, he took it really well. In part because she put it into context. If you explain your struggles around orgasm, whether or not it’s happened before, and how you started faking them and then just got caught in a cycle, then your partner will have a better understanding of it.
If this has happened with others before, make sure to explain that and help salvage your partner’s ego. If this hasn’t happened before, make sure to cushion the blow with things you like about your sex life. Reassure them that you find them sexy, tell them things you enjoy. Make sure that you emphasize that this isn’t down to their lack of skill (and, even if it is, try to phrase in terms of your needs rather than their failures). Or else, it can feel like a major blow— which won’t have a good effect on your sex life.
Set a path for what’s next
So what now? Is there something you want to try, like bringing a toy into the bedroom? Mutual masturbation? Don’t leave your partner feeling like they’re just floating in a sea of failure. Instead, explain how you think you can have your needs met— or how you want to experiment together. Give them a constructive idea of what will happen next.
Don’t put pressure on
Now that you’ve established you’ve been faking orgasms, it’s going to feel like there’s a lot of pressure to have one the next you have sex. And that kind of pressure will probably stop it from happening. So decide that you’re not going to count on it happening the next time you try— and that it may not happen for a while. Instead, agree as a pair to focus on relaxing and experimentation.
Try something new
If you know something works for you, don’t be afraid to incorporate it into your bedroom routine. If not, try something entirely new. This is great because it’s something you and your partner are finding together, so they can feel a part of the process. A vibrator, a couple’s sex toy, even watching porn together and finding a new position. Embark on the journey as a pair.
Keep the conversation flowing
Now that you’ve been brave enough to reveal that you’ve been faking, keep those lines of communication open. Sex should be something you and your partner can discuss openly. You’ve broken the cycle, so now make sex a part of your regular conversation. It’ll make you more connected and more relaxed— both of which are very helpful in the orgasm department.
Some people have amazing sex lives where they feel fulfilled, happy, and hot AF, all without ever having an orgasm. And that’s totally OK. But you need to stop faking and get to a place of honesty with your partner. Tell them that you’ve been faking, tell them everything you love about your sex life, and what you want to try now. Then you can have fun experimenting together, whatever the final result may be. Once you’re being open and honest, then you can both enjoy the ride.
Originally posted on Bellesa Collective