If you want to try dirty talk in bed, it can be an awkward thing to bring up to your partner. Dirty talk can be amazing, but bad dirty talk is really, really bad, so there’s a good chance they’ve had an experience before when it’s gone wrong and things have just been… uncomfortable. But don’t let that stop you. Because when done right, taking dirty can be really great and there’s absolutely no shame in knowing what you want and wanting to try that with a partner.
Knowing what works for you is really sexy — and it can make the sex so much better — so there’s no reason to be ashamed of it. “Knowing what you want and being able to express that will ignite things in the bedroom,” Sarah Watson, sex therapist and counselor, tells Bustle. “Talk with your partner about what turns you on and what doesn’t. Decide how to explore wants and desires together. The more intimacy in the relationship generally leads to a healthy sexual relationship.” When it comes to dirty talk, it’s a little easier because sometimes your partner will just follow your lead. But if not, you shouldn’t feel weird about bringing it up.
So here’s how to tell your partner you want dirty talk:
1. Gently Hint Your Way There First
Don’t suddenly in the middle of sex launch into some elaborate, explicit dirty talk— especially if you’ve never done it before. But you may find a few well-placed “Oh, that feels good.” or “I love it when you…” type phrases gets your partner doing it too. It may be that they’re just waiting for you to take the lead.
2. If That Doesn’t Work, Talk About It
If they don’t seem to be taking the bait — or if they actively don’t like it — bring it up to them. I would recommend not doing this right after sex, as it might make them feel like the sex you just had was inadequate. So instead, in a neutral time, suggest that you’d like to try it.
3. Know What You Want
When you talk about it, you need to be clear about what you want. Because dirty talk can mean a whole lot of different things, from the very innocent to the very not innocent. “Figure out what works for you and stick with it with slight variations depending on the mood,” sex expert, Davondra Brown, tells Bustle. When you bring it up, your partner is probably going to ask you what you mean, so it will really help to have some ideas in mind.
“Practice saying sexy things when you’re solo,” Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle. “It will be more natural when you do it for real… Moaning (real, not fake) and whispering in a sexy tone is also very erotic.”
4. Explain Why You Enjoy It
Explaining why you like it can also make it more appealing to them. Whether it’s about the power play or just another form of stimulation, talking about whyit turns you on may make it turn-on to them too.
5. Accept That It Might Not Be For Them
In my opinion, you should try anything once and your partner should be open to trying something that you say you enjoy. That being said, if they don’t like it then they don’t like it, and that’s OK too. You should definitely try and experiment with new things, but you need to accept that you should only be doing things that both of you are comfortable with.
The truth is, if they’re not into it, it may just be that they want it on the more vanilla-end. And that’s totally fine. The great thing about dirty talk is that there are so many options, so I’m sure you and your partner will find a place to meet in the middle.
Originally posted on Bustle