Originally posted on Bustle
There is some bad sex advice out there. Really, really bad. And you can get it at all ages. When you’re younger, it may be from a teacher or friend who hadn’t ever had sex but wants to impress you (which is probably why I thought that you have sex in your belly button for such a long time).
When you’re older, it can be more sophisticated bad advice, but still just as false. My personal favorite has to be the grapefruit blowjob — it’s really a thing and it’s apparently really popular — but there are plenty of misguided techniques. And a bunch of Reddit users have shared the most amazingly awful sex advice they’ve gotten over the years— and there are some real doozies.
The scary part is how much horrible, ridiculous contraception advice is given. Everything from cleaning a girl out after sex to dipping your testicles in boiling water, is supposed to prevent pregnancy when, in reality, it just sounds incredibly painful. But the lighter side of things are just ridiculously horrible techniques that will make you feel so, so smug. Because you may have had some bad sex in your day, but you’ve probably never treated someone’s butt like a lawnmower. Probably.
Here’s at look at the best of the worst sex advice ever, because your sex life could be so much worse:
1. Absolutely Not
So people would get pregnant, like two percent of the time.
2. Did They Use Bunny Ears?
But do they reuse the shoelace afterward? I have a lot of questions.
3. Sexy Sneeze
The snot makes it extra sexy.
4. You’re Doing It Wrong
I’m sure that’s somebody’s kink, but it’s not the default.
Why would you ever compare a person to a lawnmower? DO YOU FEED THEM OIL?!
This list just makes me think of how pregnant everyone is getting.
7. “Shockingly Icy”
Why would you ever want to describe yourself that way!?
8. That’s Not Even The Alphabet
Come on people, you can do better.
9. No, Please No.
NO BITING. As a general rule, no effing biting.
10. A World Of Wisdom
So many bad decisions. Except for the third one, obviously.
11. Breakfast Of Champions
Sounds like a waste of fruit.
No, no it is not.
And some of them are just plain horribly sexist.
Not confident about your skills in bed? This should make you feel better. I mean, we all get insecure — but at least you’re not using vape juice as lube, am I right?