Originally posted on Bustle
Have you ever had a moment, when you’re having sex with someone newand you realize a position you’ve done with loads of other times feels completely different? Even if you’ve been doing a position forever, you can suddenly find that there’s a totally different way of going about it— and that can be a great thing. Because we can get into habits of doing positions in a way that’s totally underwhelming.
Now, it can also happen because one of you is inexperienced— which is totally fine! I’ve certainly been there. If that’s the case, it’s important to move slow. “Although it might be easy for you to initiate and establish the lead when it comes to sex, see if you can resist and allow for some space for your less experienced partner to take the lead,” Dr. Kat Van Kirk, sex therapist and resident sex expert for Adam and Eve tells Bustle. “This will help them feel more comfortable and give them some confidence.”
But no matter what your experience level, if you find that you’re either not enjoying a position your partner loves or finding it uncomfortable, there’s a chance you may need to rethink how you’re doing it. Not every position works for everyone— and that’s totally fine — but it may be worth it to experiment with a position before you give up on it:
Missionary is one of those positions that a lot of people do all the time, even if it isn’t the greatest for them. They kind of accept that it will be a little ‘meh’— but it doesn’t have to be. Try mixing it up with the coital alignment technique, legs up or starfish variations, or even a vibrator. It’s a position that you’re both comfortable in, so it makes sense you’ll do it a lot. Which is why it’s so important that it feels great. If it’s not mind-blowing, you can totally get more out of it.
2. Reverse Cowgirl
Reverse cowgirl has the opposite problem of missionary — it’s a position so many people are intimated by they avoid it completely. You really should give it a shot, in part because it’s a great option if you want to try playing with your clit during sex but are feeling self-conscious.
But there’s something else people get wrong about reverse cowgirl: although it feels like a ‘wild’ position you need to be aware. Women on top positions are where a lot of penile fractures (yup, penile fractures) happen. So if you’re going totally buck wild, it’s time to slow down and pay attention.
3. Anal Play
One of the biggest complaints about anal sex and anal play is that it hurts, but it doesn’t have to. It may feel intense — definitely, definitely intense — but it really shouldn’t hurt. The two main mistakes people make are rushing into it and not using lube, both of which are so important for anal play. “A good way to ease in is to start by playing with the perineum or circle the opening, rather than darting inside,” Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle. “Check in with eye contact and non verbal cues or ask.” Go slow and communicate.
Another position that people don’t mix up enough. A lot of women find doggy style uncomfortable and I totally get that, but there are so many other options you need to try. Using the sofa brace position or, even better, modified doggy with a pillow under your hips will give you the sexy, intense feeling of doggy — but keep it from being too much.
5. In A Chair
In a chair is a great example of how we don’t always make the most out of women on top positions. They’re a perfect opportunity to power play — be totally in control for a while, but then mix it up by letting your partner control things. You can do the same thing in missionary, doggy, or another position where you’re normally not in control — take over the movement for a while, while your partner holds still. You might find that a new power dynamic totally makes the position work for you.
Ultimately, some positions just won’t work even after you’ve given them a shot, and that’s totally OK! There’s no reason you should keep doing it if you’re not enjoying it — there are way too many great sex positions out there.