Originally posted on Bustle
Being comfortable during sex is essential. How can you enjoy sex if you’re not feeling like yourself? It has nothing to do with being boring or vanilla, it’s about being relaxed and content in the bedroom, which is going to make the sex way better, whatever kind of sex you and your partner want to have. And part of being comfortable comes down to you and your partner’s relationship. “What people do not realize is that most sexual incompatibility problems are a part of broader compatibility issues,” relationship coach and founder of Maze of Love, Chris Armstrong, tells Bustle. So part of feeling comfortable is just learning how to be more at ease with your partner generally. But some of it will be about the actual sex you’re having as well.
The good news is that there are a lot of different ways you and your partner can become more comfortable with one another, which will translate to better sex and a better overall experience, in addition to boosting your relationship. So, if you’re feeling like you’re not quite connecting during sex, don’t write off the relationship just yet — instead, focus on what you can do to make you both feel more at ease and the sexual comfortability will improve in no time.
1. Put In The Time Outside Of The Bedroom
As Armstrong mentioned, some of it is about your compatibility as people. “If two people struggle with playfulness outside of the bedroom, they will very likely have a mechanical (aka boring) sexual experience in the bedroom,” Armstrong says. “Couples cannot simply turn on the fun and expect fireworks if their chemistry prior to walking into the bedroom is flat.”
Though it’s partially based on just personalities, it’s also about clearing the air and being in a good place with your partner. Working out any kinks or issues you two are having outside the bedroom will improve your performance in the bedroom.
2. Talk It Out
If there are things you like, don’t like, want, don’t want, or just straight up need, then talk about it outside of the bedroom. “Not everyone is going to be up for everything,” Amy Levine, sex coach at Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle “So start by asking ‘What are some of your fantasies?’ outside of sex rather than jumping in.”
Talking about it before hand will keep you from dealing with awkward trial and error during sex.
3. Move More Slowly
Part of making the sex more comfortable is being able to feel how your partner is responding to things so you know what they’re really enjoying — and hopefully they are doing the same with you. Move a little more slowly, take the time to explore, and you’ll be sure that you’re both learning about each other and enjoying it.
4. Remove Distractions
Along the same lines, make sure that you’re really focused on what’s going on. Keep your phones far away and turn the TV off. “Tuning into your senses will help you connect to what feels good and also help you stay present during sex,” sex and relationship counselor Julie Jeske tells Bustle. “So often people are in their heads rather than their bodies.” So make sure you’re doing whatever you need to stay in the moment.
5. Don’t Be Afraid To Stop And Change Course
Learning to say, “That doesn’t work for me,” is a huge benefit in the bedroom. If something your partner is doing is just a bit blah or uncomfortable, but you let it happen because you don’t know what to say, you’re going to be at your most anxious — and not feel relaxed at all. So feel free to say when you’re not loving something and suggest something else.
6. Be More Direct
And don’t be afraid to point them, very specifically, to what you want them to do. It’s especially helpful with inexperienced partners, but it can help even with just a new partner you’re not comfortable with yet. “Sometimes newbie partners can be unsure of sexual cues and non-verbal signals,” Dr. Kat Van Kirk, sex therapist and resident sex expert for Adam and Eve, tells Bustle. “They are often relived when a more experienced partner simply tells them what they want.” Don’t be afraid to use your words.
7. Keep A Positive Attitude
It helps if you go into it thinking that it’s going to be great. If you let the fact that it’s been awkward before hang over you, then you’re not going to be feel very comfortable — and your attitude can have a huge impact. “I think confidence is different than a confident attitude,” Levine says. “You can have a confident attitude [that can help you] ‘fake it until you make it.'”
It can take a while to feel 100 percent comfortable with someone in bed, so don’t let early nerves and anxiety ruin it for you. Be proactive and keep your communication open — and know what you need to feel at ease.