Originally posted on Bustle
“Should we break up?” It’s a question that most of us get to at one point or another. You’re in a relationship that is less-than-perfect, but you don’t know if it’s actually at a point where you need to end it. It’s a tough balance, because you don’t want to waste your time on a bad relationship— but you don’t want to be too hasty either.
Sometimes, it’s obvious. “Your partner is not reliable, doesn’t show up, doesn’t keep promises,” Tina B. Tessina, aka Dr. Romance, psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, tells Bustle. “Your partner won’t work with you to solve problems or get things done [or] has too many emotional outbursts, throws hissy fits or temper tantrums when something goes wrong.” In that case, it’s really clear you need to breakup. But what if the problems are more subtle? Or what if you’re still in the process of getting to know each other and finding the little things that bug you because the honeymoon period is over? It’s really tough to know when relationships problems are big enough to say goodbye.
But don’t panic just because suddenly things have left the honeymoon phase. Here are seven wrong reasons to breakup— because you owe your relationship a better shot than that.
1. You’ve Had Your First Fight
Just because you’ve had a fight or a disagreement isn’t a reason to let a good relationship end. Everybody disagrees. The more important thing is how you fight. “Each partner must take ownership of what they do to to contribute to the problem. Failing to be accountable for our part and consistently blaming our partner is a sure sign that the relationship will remain unhealthy and consistently lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness,” Talia Wagner, Los Angeles-based marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. If you can disagree constructively, it’s not a problem.
2. You’re In The Middle Of A Fight
Similarly, don’t breakup with someone in the middle of a fight or as an ultimatum. You need to really think about the decision— no matter how real your anger feels at the time. Let yourself cool down.
3. You’re Scared About The Future
If you don’t see a future with your partner or your deal-breakers don’t line up, that may be a reason to break up. But if you just are freaked out about the future, that’s not a actually a big deal. You don’t know what the future holds, so just relax. And try not to cut off your nose to spite your face.
4. Petty Irritations
They probably chew loudly or leave their plates out or do some little thing that irritates you. But you know what? You do some irritating things too— we all do. I throw used contacts everywhere and drink too much coffee andprobably about a million other annoying things. Try to keep some perspective and don’t sweat the small stuff.
5. Problems You Haven’t Told Them
Anything you’ve been brewing away about it but haven’t given them the chance to fix is not an OK reason to break up with someone. You need to give them the benefit of the doubt and a chance to make it right.
6. The End Of The Honeymoon Phase
Look, if you end the honeymoon phase and find that you have nothing in common, then that’s a problem. But if it’s just that you’re starting to realize the other person isn’t perfect, that’s no reason to breakup— nobody’s perfect.
7. That One Friend Wants You To
So I’m all for taking your friend’s and family’s advice. And if everyone has a big problem with your partner or your relationship, you need to think about that. But just because one person isn’t on board, doesn’t mean you need to listen to them. Sure, hear them out and be respectful— but ultimately it’s your choice.
It can be hard to know when it’s actually time to break up— especially if you’re going through your first rough patch. But try not to overthink it and don’t breakup over something insignificant, because there’s a good chance you’ll regret it later.