Originally posted on Bustle
A lot of people worry if they embarrass their partner, which is pretty heart-breaking. Your partner should bolster you, make you feel more assured and make you feel capable. The idea that someone would be with a person who is actively embarrassed is so sad — but it definitely happens. So how do you know if this applies to your relationship?
Sometimes you can get little signs that your partner doesn’t value you enough— like if they never pay attention to what you say. “One of the most annoying habits is when you are in a relationship with someone and you feel like you can’t get a word in edgewise,” Samantha Daniels, professional matchmaker and founder of the Dating Lounge dating app, tells Bustle. “This can be a dealbreaker for a relationship because it makes the person who is being interrupted feel like what they are saying doesn’t matter, is wrong or unimportant.” And it can be a sign of something much larger — that they don’t respect you at all and are even embarrassed by you. It’s not always straightforward, especially as most people won’t own up to it and admit that they’re embarrassed. So you’ll have to look more at how they treat you, rather than what they actually say. Here’s what you need to keep an eye out for, according to experts.
1. They Won’t Introduce You To Friends
“One sign is not wanting to introduce the person to friends, making excuses why they don’t want them to meet their buddies,” Dr. Dawn Michael, M.A. PhD ACS CSC, tells Bustle.
Sure, in the early days of a relationship someone might just be shy or want to take things slow, but you know when it’s gotten weird. If they don’t want you to meet people in their life, something is probably wrong — and it may be that they’re embarrassed. If that’s the case, don’t waste your time. You deserve someone who wants you to integrate into their lives.
2. Your Dates Are Always About Staying In
… Or they’re more booty-calls than dates. I like a good Netflix and chill-a-thon as much as anyone, but at some point you need to take your relationship into the real world. And if they’re not willing to do that, you need to start wondering why. You may also notice that if they do go out, then they avoid their normal haunts.
“Another is being seen in a public places where the person might bump into some they know, only going out in public when they are far away from home,” Michael says.
3. They Put You Down
If they’re embarrassed, it may come out as frustration. If they’re correcting you or making disparaging comments about what you say then that’s way too much negativity to put yourself through. “For a lot of people, a negative mindsetcomes second nature to them,” relationship coach and psychic medium Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships, tells Bustle. “Negativity is a contagious emotion and before long, you start catching this negative mindset.”
Don’t let someone else drag you down — you deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with you.
4. They Won’t Plan For The Future
The future is bound to come up at some point. If they’re not willing to plan it with you, it may be because they don’t really see you as part of it. “Someone who doesn’t take you into consideration for the long-term wants to take each day as it comes rather than focus on a future with you, which is signaled by not following through on plans that are made,” is always a bad sign in a relationship, Danielle Sepulveres, sex educator and author of Losing It: The Semi-Scandalous Story of an Ex-Virgin, tells Bustle. It’s heartbreaking, but you need to be honest with yourself about it.
5. They Make You Uncomfortable
Part of being at ease with your partner comes from the security and confidence that they give you. If you don’t feel fully relaxed, stop and think— are they making you feel like you shouldn’t be? “When you are bending too much to make the other person happy, you are often giving up your own opinions,” zen psychotherapist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. “When this happens more and more, you begin to get resentful and feel unheard.”
6. They Try To Control How You Look
“Wanting to change the appearance of the person, how they look, dress, hair etc.,” Michael says, is another sign. It’s awful, but it happens. If they make comments about what you wear, what you weigh, how you style yourself, remember — it’s none of their concern.
7. They Put You Down In Front Of Other People
If they do introduce you to people, pay attention to how they do it. “Introducing your partner in a way that makes them sound inferior,” Danielle Sepulveres, sex educator and author of Losing It: The Semi-Scandalous Story of an Ex-Virgin, tells Bustle. “Even if it’s not intentional, it comes across as declaring that your significant other is not as successful, which can result in wondering how they truly view you if they seem to label you as aspiring or not that capable.” It’s bad enough in private, but to do that in front of people is so not OK.
You should be with a partner who makes you feel 10 feet tall — not one who’s embarrassed by you. Remember, that’s on them and you really don’t have to put with it. Go find someone who appreciates you.