Originally posted on Bustle
How do you know you’ve found your soulmate? Well, the truth is, there are a lot more signs that you haven’t found the right person than that you have. When you’re with someone where things just “fit”, then it will feel that way. But the struggle of a relationship that isn’t working can be hard to ignore. “Arelationship with your soulmate feels dramatically different from other relationships because there is a natural, almost instinctual, alignment with one another,” psychotherapist Avery Neal, M.A., LPC. tells Bustle. “You may not even believe a person so consistent with you even exists! Whereas other relationships may feel like a struggle, almost as if you are swimming upstream, with your soulmate things tend to flow effortlessly between the two of you. It is not that there is never conflict or disconnection, but even during these times there is never a doubt of love between the two of you and both of you work to restore closeness again.”
Even if you don’t believe in soulmates in the traditional sense — the idea that there’s only one person in the whole world who is the perfect match for you in some cosmic plan — you may see relationships that have a different level of compatibility that are just a better fit. Those couples you look at and go, “Yes, that makes sense!” And while many of us like to think our relationship is one of those, it’s not always the case.
Of course, you don’t have to be with “The One” to be happy in a relationship, but if your relationship is causing you too much stress or just isn’t a good fit, it’s better to admit that and find one that works for. So here are the signs that your partner is not your soulmate.
1. Your Values Don’t Line Up
We all have different values and different priorities in our lives, and when you’re with the right partner for you, you’ll be on the same page. “The things that matter to you are also important to your partner,” says Neal. “Although your opinions may differ, there is a constant sense of togetherness in the world. Although you are separate beings, your partner appropriately represents who you are and vice versa.” If you find that your values aren’t aligned, then they may not be the right one for you.
2. You Can’t See Their Point Of View
Even in the best relationships, some fighting is totally normal. “There will always be issues in any relationship,” NYC-based therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW tells Bustle. “It is how you deal with these issues that will make or break the relationship.” When you disagree, you should still be able to understand, a least in part, where you partner is coming from. But if you feel like the two of you are on different planets, it’s probably not the right fit.
3. Your Relationship Doesn’t Fit Into Your Life
When you’re in a soulmate-level relationship, you should feel like the relationship improves your life. “When you come together, you are elevated,” relationship coach Keren Eldad tells Bustle. “You uplift each other and do not tear each other down. You sing each other’s praises. You make each one’s day better.”
Even though you should maintain your independence in a healthy relationship, it should feel natural to make your lives line up with each other. If everything feels like a struggle — if you don’t like any of the same activities, movies, or people — then it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
4. You’re Stalling
Is your relationship bringing out the best you? “A soulmate is someone who in meeting them forces our consciousness to evolve and this inspires personal growth,” psychotherapist Dr. Nadine Macaluso tells Bustle. They should push you, support you, and help you grow. But if your relationship is making you complacent or tired and the rest of your life is suffering, that’s probably not where you want to be.
5. You Often Wonder If It’s Worth It
If your relationship is strong then, no matter how tough things get, you still will feel that it’s the right relationship for you. “Knowing that someone is your soulmate is about feeling connection on the deepest level in both good times and difficult ones,” Rhonda Milrad, founder of Relationup, the first live relationship app tells Bustle. “You can be fighting and struggling to compromise, yet no matter how challenging it is, you still feel that you can and want to build a life with this person.”
If you’re constantly wondering about leaving or thinking you shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place, then you may need to take a look another the relationship and whether it’s a good fit.
6. Your Communication Is Unnatural
If you feel on guard around your partner or like you have trouble reaching them, that doesn’t sound like a soulmate relationship. “Your soulmate is someone who understands you beyond what you say and do — and vice versa,” relationship expert April Masini tells Bustle. “It’s almost as if you don’t need to speak because you communicate with this person on levels beyond typical communication.” If you’re on different pages, it’s just going to get exhausting.
7. You Can’t Count On Them
When your relationship really clicks, then you feel like there’s someone always on your team. “It is the two of you against the world — well, maybe just against a common foe or issue,” psychologist Dr. Beverly Palmer tells Bustle. “You feel supported in your struggles.” If you feel like you can’t rely on them or if you’re scared to ask for their help, then it’s probably not the right relationship for you.
Whether or not you believe in “soulmates”, it’s important to be in a relationship with compatibility — one that makes your life better. Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself about whether your relationship is doing that. If not, it’s totally OK to move on.