It’s not always easy to talk about your sex life. Whether you’ve been with the person for years or you’re just getting to know each other, it’s hard to bring the topic up. I think it’s because we have this idea that having a magical, mind-blowing sexual connection is a sign of a deeper compatibility. We’re just so in sync. We don’t even have to try, it just happens. But how often does it really ‘just happen’? We don’t like to admit that sometimes it’s take works. Mind-blowing sex lives are built, are developed, and are kept alive. They don’t just happen and, even if they do in the beginning, they still need maintaining.
And even though a few tweaks and honest conversations can make your sex life go from zero to one hundred, we’re often too embarrassed to do it. We don’t want to talk about our needs and desires because of the inherent implication that what our partner is doing isn’t enough. There’s so much ego and potential for hurt feelings when we talk about sex. We’re all so hypersensitive that even breaching the issue can feel like a criticism. So how can we do it? How can we talk about sex with out partner? Well, all it takes is a little compassion— and a positive mental attitude.
Choose Your Timing
You don’t want to bring it up during a fight or any time when your partner is feeling vulnerable. If you guys usually have great, open conversations post-sex, that timing might work for you. But if your partner ever seems awkward or insecure during pillow talk, that’s not when to bring it up. Try naturally steering the conversation towards sex, then go from there.
Think In Sandwiches (Really)
OK, it sounds weird— but it’s true. For everything you want changed, sandwich it in between two things you like about the sex you’re already having. If you say something like, “I love how connected we are in the bedroom, I really feel like trying some new positions could help us intensify things and make that great connection even stronger.” Even though you’re saying you need some new positions in your life, you’ve cushioned the blow.
Talk about what you really need. If you don’t know what you need, do some exploration and masturbating and get a feel for what works for you. Because saying, “I just don’t think it’s working.” sounds much harsher than “I love what you’re doing, but I need a lot of clitoral stimulation and I think bringing a toy in would be really effing sexy.”. But in both cases, you’re getting across what you need.
Ask Them Questions
It may be that they have some unexplored wishes and wants as well. If you open the door up to things that they may want to try, the conversation will feel less one-sided and they’ll feel less self-conscious. Plus, you may discover something you both really love along the way.
Look, some of my best sex has been with people where it really wasn’t mind-blowing at the beginning. Talking about sex can be uncomfortable at first— but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. As long as you focus on the positive and are honest about what you need, your communication will improve in no time. And a great sex life won’t be far behind.